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Thursday, June 09, 2005

okiE....the title has already basically tell you this might be the longest blog i am going to have...Though it is just 4 days after my previous blog, but it is going to be my longest blog, not because i have nothing better to do, because this is the time where i feel i can express what i want to say most...be it good or bad.

Time: 1:38 Am in my sibling's bedroom.

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I didn't really know what are friends. Till now, i do not know what are the definition of friends. What do friends mean to me and what do I mean to them because i am never given a clear definition. Sometimes, this sounds very weird to many but in real life, it is true. How many people do you treat well give you back 100% in return? And how many people do you don't treat well treat you much better than you expected them to treat you? (okie...sounds complex right...hope not) :)

Read a lot of my friend's blog....realli got a lot of thinkings from their blog.

What is frienD? i am puzzled...till this moment at the age of 17. Till now, do i know who is true to me? or to some, i am just a passer-by in their life...where they can make millions of them in their life.

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well, start off with my JC friends first. Actually, i have always told myself that well, it is a fact that i should accepy myself in this class. Truely, this is a good class where you will make good friends. I repeat. good friends. fullstop. 5 months already, and i still don't know where I stand. Really. It is not easy for met to able to cope with what I am now. Trying to sometimes be very happy when someone said something insulting or whatever or commented on me. It is not easy. But, can i ever do anything? NO.

My class got a lot of clicks, i guess. Some clicks i know they are so good that i will never be able to join them because they already have their own topics. Just like what one of my CT mates who was in the grp said that sometimes they also find it hard to talk to the class cox they also have thier own stuffs to talk about who I might not be interested in. TRUE. So, maybe, the only thing i can do is to crap with them. if you want me to share my problems with them, maybe not now.

Times and times i tried to find a good friend in JC, but times and times what i get is disappointment. I am not complaining or whatever. But why cant i just get a JC friend who knows me well enough to know what i am really feeling? Some people say i like to lie. Why do i lie? For fun? obviously not. not to protect myself. But if you know me, you should know why. Some people say i crap a lot. Do i want to crap? I can't imagine if i stop crapping 1 day. That will be the day i become anti-social. Some people say i am childish like that. some people say i act cute. Some people say i am really very bo liao. Some even say i am a sissy. I really got nothing else to say. How much more can i defend myself? who don't want to be mature? who don't want to be themselves? But under what cirucmstances do we allow us to be just us? NO...not for this world....Imagine someone give you a black face and suddenly tell you...."Can you please shut up?" or say "Ok la...up to you!" or "You very er xin lei" when your main objective is to make them talk and lighten the heavy atmosphere? Some people say we shld just take this comments lightly. But, this is because they have never felt how a clown feels to be attacked when he failed his job. I am also a human. Do you expect me to scream at you when you criticize me like nobody's business? obviously NOT. because i don't want to spoil a friendship that took a long time to buid.

SOME PEOPLE SAY I AM VERY FAKE. I don't even know why they think so when they themselves are not better than me. All this comments will drown me one day......

TO ONE DAY
I MIGHT BREAK DOWN.


somE people will say i also have a very good click in JC. GooD? to what extent? haha. I agree i got to know of 4 friends whom i always i follow along with during times in NY. TRUE. i don't deny that. But, let me repeat, they are 4 GIRLS. I don't expect myself to be always tagging along with them and sometimes, there are things which they would not tell me, just like what i would not tell them.Out of the 4, i don't feel comfortable with particularly 1. don't know why. maybe critcizing me is her "xi guan". She likes to insult me, i guess. say hurting words. And what can i do, tolerate. that was what my 2 other friends in the grp told me. But how long? She even talked bad abt my friends. Say she "bitch"...etc, etc...My friend lei! How long can i tolerate? i don't know. And as i have told you, in my heart, i know there are somethings where they will never tell me...because i am a gUy. simply that. or as it says, JC friends only mah. haha.

someTimes, just feel like looking support from my Secondary friends in NY. But when i look at them, (actually not many), they seem to get along so well with their class....i don't want to disrupt this new environment for them. They are already getting well in this environment. Why should I even disrupt? To be frank speaking, this friend of mine la, i remember that we organised a birthday celebration for him...i know it was quite terrible...but i already tried my best to call every1 to turn up. Then he also got his own CT to celebrate for him. I don't know what did his CT did to make him so touch. But i heard that in his msn, he thanked his class....okie. If i say i am not disappointed or sad, i must be mad. Because that made me feel like we have lost our importance. Maybe i am just being too sensitive. Maybe. I remembered he say i am sometimes hurting. To that, i really don't know when was that but really soree if i had said wrong words at times. But looking at him, now that he has managed to adapt himself to the JC life, i should feel happy for him. And i am really happy for you, for finding your stand. As for me, i am still trying...

Obviously, i cannot disturb my other secondary school friends who are in their own JC lifes or POLY lifes. they are busy studying, and everyone is leading their lives with colours. With excitement. know some of them are also having steads and BGR. they need time to balance. how can i always call them and disturb them? Some of them will be busy with tutorials and all that. How can i say that i want to chat with them when they need to finish more important priorities?
hahax.

right now, i just want to turn back tiMe.. : (

Am i really happy?

Sometimes, i wonder that. maybe yes, maybe no. BUT ONE THING I CAN SAY: i don't get back the laughter and the happy moments that i have been previously.

For now, i am in JC life. 2 years.

thanks to those who have encouraged me to move on....to stay happy...optimistic.

But, how far can i move on without really feeling happy and grateful?

Studies is what i can see now in my life only....what a grey page.

Some people say that friends drift apart when they get to meet less....I tot i would never agree to that....and till now, even though it is happening...i would never want to agree to it. I dont intend to agree.

FRIENDS.

what a vague word.

Can someone tell me who is my true friend?
That takes forever, i guess.

-finished-
Smile always
2:13 Am

Sweet-ed <3
2:13 AM