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Friday, August 26, 2005

k...finalli feel like blogging...fiNalli okie...hahax. previously realli didn't had the time to do all this...but todae...i am going to have a rather long entry...: )

yOu cannOt imagiNe the stress i am facing in JC life...yes, you cannot imagine. everYthing seem so finEx to me on the surface...still revising at my oWn pace...still doing everything @ my own stePs...everything seem so nOrmal...but wakE up manX...this is NYJC lei...where competition is so tough. CommOn test is juX over and theRe coming pRomos...tot it would jUst be another bAttle with ExamS. buT, i was totally wroNg. i am not being paranoid la. i just dont like the eyes that some people give me. as if they take me as their target. ok la, i admit that i was veri happie to be in the honour roll...but it is giving me so much stress now. People are aiming at me as if like i am their competitive partner. And the competition is like u shld have seen it lo...some people, so exaggerating lax....i don't know how tO put it...it juX makes u feel so....aiya, i don't know how to say la. enough of HonOur roll lolx...eveRythinG is over...it doesn't mean i will get it forever....i aM so worrIed i caNnot take the PressuRe if i am Not in thiS time seriously lax....becox the surroundings is giving me juX too much PressUre that i have to give Myself...k...but as foR now, i have been Trying to reLaX le....don't want to push myself too Hard...and tryinG to change my attiTude to doinG my beSt can Lex...hmmX...try to ignore thOse words wHich could ever sound offensive r huRting to me and continue to work... : ) sO wish me gd luck, k... : )

to think of it, mabi i am the one that is afraid of losing...ya, i am. i am fear of failures. becox i have fell before. i know how painful it is..i know sad it is...becox i have fell. mabi it is all becox of me who have caused all this thoughts. mabi i am the one who cannot take things in an easier stride...

i am trying mY beSt
...please give mE more tiMe..
to chAnge to soMeone better-

weLL, i was quite upSet by this some sentence this week lolx...: (

i admit i go by the book..be it tests, homework, everything....i don't deny that i am a "C", always cautious of everything and i am afraid of criticisms. i don't deny all this. buT, please la, how well do u know me for u to come to such a conclusion? Am i that competitve? at least i am not those who forget the fact that i still have a group of JC friends to talk to and that they place an important place to me la. becox i jolly well know that they are the ones who actualli make my life in JC much happier. I must apologize or i must say that ya, in my heart, when even my good friends want to lend notes from me, i will in my heart mind a bit...but, heyX plZ la, how well do u noe me? aNd why do u look so happie when u lended my notes previously and now saying that i don't let you copy...Seriously, compared to secondary school, my tolerance level of lending ppl notes is much higher le. Now, if u say excuse me, can lend notes or not, i will surely agree dex. so, DON'T JUMP TO YOUR OWN CONCLUSIONS...becox u nvr know how hurting it gets...if one day, my gd friend say that i am self-centred or selfish, or watever, i would change or i would trY my best to next time to accomodate to his/her requests...but heYx...now it is U.....someone who always contradict urself..fiNeX!

but mabi it is bcox i am realli so selfish...so badX....i don't knoe....so it is right for u to say that of me la....haix....contradicting again.:(

i aM not that Smart...stop saying that i can score veri high and i will never fail in my lifes. stop saying in a serious manner that "hey, honour roll lei..93..." i know by right, i shld feel honoured enough to do so....i don't mind if u are just joking.....but when it gets to a serious tone, I MIND. i am not tat smart lei...please imagine what would happen to me if i collapsed this time....i don't think it will be becox of the fact that i didn't do well, it will be because of all the words that your have said...what would ur say if i didn't get to honour roll this time??? "maybe things like...wax...someone has finally taken over you..." right? do u noe it sounds sad to me? okie...mabi u tink it is nothing if u say it seriously but it is like a thousand of pricks la. i tink i will oredi be veri sad if i fall in promos and then if u say thiS things, i don't know what will happen to Me....so if u are joking, u can continue...tat i dont mind...but if u are realli seriously out to spite me or watever, ur actions have saddened me....becox u don understand me at all...
and i must repeat again... i am a HUMAN.

what i want to say is that i am also a person...i am Yan Xing...mabi the anonymous reading this might be telling me not to complain again....but i am not complaining okie! not everyone leads a good life as what you think. it doesn't meAn that you are hAppy on the surface meaning that you are realli happie. that is so superficial.

K...getting along rather well with my JC clique le....think that can realli talk now...hmMx. shouldn't be thinking much lax...sometimes don mean to talk too much, sometimes realli don mean to say things that i shldn't have said...hope ya understand la. if i have ever hurt ur feelings, i apologize cox i realli don't mean it. i jolly well know who are mY real good friends in JC...and i am glad that ur have brought me joy for the past 8 months....hahax. like graduatioN speeCh...aniwae...realli veri happie lax. and please donT mind saying bad thinGs to me...i don get angri so easliy if u are my friend and a friend that i trust. so if next time find that there's something u don't like about me or i did sth sensitive, please tel me?? don't neeD to scare i get angri..but what u say must have a reason please>>>

that daY sAw miNgwei at the traffic light junCtion...only 1 minute lolx...but the feeling of friendship was back again...hahax...only then i realise how important rebel is to me...it had never changed...till that moment...it remaind so strong lax....only 1 min of chat, but how i wish that we were all in the samE school again....some things will never turn back, but we can always look forward to the better future>>>...finalli going to have 4e1 GATHERING! i am so HAPPIE la...u cannot imagine how overjoyed i was when i heard this news...finally we are meeting as a class again! realli hope to see everyonE again....

taKe caRe
(smiLe always)
-yX- : )

Sweet-ed <3
10:30 PM

Sunday, August 21, 2005

Well, 12 days liaox...todae then update...seem very late...ya, really have been veri busy these days...project work occupies awat 30% of my time...didn't know it was going to be stress lolx.

But, well, just hope that all this workings are worthwhile or i would be so tired...for nothing.
Sadly, didn't get to meet any rebel ppl yet. Only alvin and mingwei. hahax.we went to selege to eat tou hua @ like 8pm....hahax. so late le. but no choice, had project work. again. Well, sometimes only as time passes, and people get distant, then u realli know who has the intention to keep a friendship continuous and long and even better...i think that is true.

didn't do well for my maths. quite upset, actualli. just that i tot i shouldn't have.
--Ya , must not talk too much the next time. hahax. i feel that i am realli talking a lot thee days.....hahax. so must get down to work le. and stop just saying and not acting. Don't know what is up next for my life but know that it will be busier than ever. DEFINITELY lolx.

to all who read this blog,
i am still finex.
still ME.
no changes.

but i can't predict the future.
with an unexpected life awaiting.

*beSt wiShes*
taKe caRe
smiLe always***

Sweet-ed <3
2:55 PM

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

todae....is national day..but i didn't watch the parade!! hahax.

aniwae***todae is a very commemorative day...because after 1 long month, i met the whole group of rebel! though 1 month does not seem long, but it had seem like ages to me le. Though not everyone turned up (8 of us), but i was still veri veri happie....

Let's talk abt the programmes first bax..we had steamboat at melissa's house.....well, initally when i went in to the house, i saw JM watching korea show, alvin using computer, liling also and melissa and ming wei and wei ying doing their own things, i thought the trip would be veri boring...in my mind, i just tot...is it we have no more topics? or what? or we realli have nothing better to do?....but all my mysteries were solved and revealed when we had lunch at a table together...We will still the SAME! talking craps and jokes all over again...veri farnie...:)...den we will thinking of what to do from 2pm to 4:30pm....where JM continue to watch her korea show...i almost wanted to go and sleep lo.....cox all of us didn't know what to do...i tot the outing was going to be just like tat...rotting @ melissa house.....

*************BUT I WAS 100% wrong...**********

den after that....we went to Junction 8 and walk at 5pm....the atmosphere built up when we took our neoprints and we started crapping.....den we took (which is the nicest of all neoprints i tink i took before...cox the machine is more high class...:) ) ....den rachel got to go..jia min had to watch her show...den 10 mins later, mingwei also left....because of NDP i tink....but i was totally shocked by his fAce...but i know he didn't mean it la....and his sms lolx....

K.....den the 5 of us went to MOS burger. den we started talking. Finally, somone propped the question. Aren't we suppose to gather and talk about our lives now recently??? hahax....then came the things... we started talking about each other, about how we are doing now, 1 by 1, den we talk about the casual stuffs as in LL and WY like who...and alvin's ern erm and Melissa's very steady relatioN....hahax. veri happie......deN we continue to talk and suddenly in 30 minutes we talked about the past, the secondari times where we teared, where we were childish, where we were all had our sad and happie memories..Till that pt, i was still a happie soul, laughing and chatting about how nice life was and how crazi we were then....all of laughed la....

about 8pm....we were on oUr way Home.....and thEn liling left for the MRT, melissa took 410....den left me , wei ying, and alvin and we still continued talking....all the way till we reached the bus stop and we alighted.....den we send wei ying off to her house and it was left with me and alvin...den alvin sae he wanted to blog about todae.....den i sae mabi i will blog tomorrow...and till onli the pt that he had to walk to his house and i walked to mine own.....all my mood spurred up at that moment.............>>>>

i felt touched. i felt like crying. my feelings were complicated....i didn't know what i should do....mabi i should not have brought up the past....but ya, i realli REALLI tot of the past....alvin said how good would it be if we were back to the past...yes....how good it will be when i am still at BEATTY. ...even though i did not get good academic results, i enjoyed my life then with a bunch of 10 friends, my classmates, in the council board where we had fun in the room with the air-con, den the 10 of us always going for ban mian for lunch and see one another everyday punctually at 700pm in school...how i miss those days....i HADN"T forgotten anitink at all.....at tat moment, as i walk up to the stairs of my house, i felt lonely. just like how i came to NY.....being in a class where i met unfamiliar faces...it was then i realise how i missed BEATTY. i caNnot go BacK...defiNitely Not....i am in JC le.....what i can do is to lead a good life...but i am so afraid i am not accomplishing it....

remembering the days where i took 105 bus and was so sleepy @ every stop, and at 6:45 am i would be collecting my books from the council room locker, then after that go to class and chit chat with classmates la...and gossip about homework and teachers...and also friends....den had recess with rebel......***and after that lunch....we will still be together....even if i had to go home at 5pm...it was worth it.....because i had fun...now 5pm, seem a dreadul day for me....365 days can just fly so fast...from Sec 1 to Sec 4....i know time has given its 4 years...and all of us growing....how mani outings did we had??? hahax...every wkend, we would almost meet once and talk non-stop....just felt like meeting. hahax.

how Could I actually tell time to stop just because i mss the moments that i want back??
How Can i be so selfish as to put my priority in front of others??
I must come back to reality...
i am 17..
i am in JC....
yet, i still wish i could.....be with reBeL....it is only with them that i can speak what i want, be what i wish and have no fears.....that's what they have giveN me. that's a gift i went in to BeattY.

ShAo NiAn is the bEst sOng bax...
"Na Shi Wo MeN hUi bU qu De Cong Qian..."

but I bElieve

"wei Lai hUi gen JiNg Cai"...

i knOw time will not Stop...
buT our friendshipS between reBel will aLso Not FadE...
it will oNly get strOnger
aS time is the Best tEst...
mabI this is whAt i shOuld be thiNking...

i feel so recharge after seeing them todae.
because i know all of us are getting on fine and we know that each of us treasure such a bond.

i Will LOOK FORWARD to the next gatheriNg.

rebel and i....always related.

: (

smile always
taKe caRe

Sweet-ed <3
8:09 AM

Saturday, August 06, 2005

i think my blog is going to rust if i still don't blog...hahax.

i haven blog for quite sometime le...cox i tot there was nothing much for me to put down. Anyway, i am okie. Life has been smooth and fine for me this 10 +++ days. Veri peaceful, with not much disruption.

-->Anyway, just this thursday, we celebrate HF's birthdae! veri simple though, cause everyone of us were busy with our project work and had to push it all the way to evening to celebrate...we had pizza hut @ TP lax...wonder whether she was happie that day??? hahax.

-->Lots of homework..and it is a REALLY A LOT. all my tests are coming soon on week 8 whereby they are alll cramped up together. I think i need to do well for this coming tests because i don't have much confident in my coming promos. But it is like i am thinking i have been slacking for like quite some time. hahax. So, this long weekend, besides going out to meet rebel, i don't think i wll do anitink else. hahax. Maths will be so MUCh. gEo also. LEP also.. GP also...basically that's eth.

-->HmmX...have been counting down the number of days...finalli going to see rebel!!! on 9 august i guess. hopefully every1 can make it la. and most importantly, something nice will come...mabi a wonderful programme or watever.

that's all
must mug soon le.
byE! :)

smiLe always

Sweet-ed <3
11:20 AM