Monday, July 25, 2005
well...i didn't know what i typed would cause so much reactions.
especially from u...anonymous.
it is true that yesterday my mood was especially terrible.
that is why i felt so sad.
and i think i cannot adapt to the society, adapt to the life.
I have never say that my surrondings are of no good at all.
I just say that it is me myself who is having the problem maybe being too sensitive.
I don't know what caused ur reaction to be so BAD.
And can u stop insulting me with some undesirable words?
Not everyone can stand such replies.
A BLOG is meant for me to say my comments, u can choose not to READ.
I wonder whether what kind of venegance i have with you to cause so much hatred of you to me. If you want to say i am childish typing this blog, i have nothing to say.
But imagine ppl saying that to you, won't u feel insulted?
U can also talk abt ur own life, because that is YOUR OWN LIFE.
EVERYONE HAS ONE.
don't tel me your life is led by others.
even know if i don't know you at all,
or maybe you are just someone close to me,
you can continue all means to type such stopit things
while i will continue to talk abt my emotions weekly.
bE it happy or sad.
it is up to u to intepret
Sunday, July 24, 2005
well..todae sundae...so tot of updating my blog : ) was thinking of what 2 type...then just realise there were too mani things in my mind...that i don't know how 2 start off..
thinKing of chanGing my blog temPlate..
but it is so DifficuLt la.hahax
maBi i am too seNsitive, maBi i thiNk too much...buT i feel terribLe thiS week...not as in physically sick...jusT mentally feeling HorribLe...i hav completed all my woRk...those which i am suppose to hand in by next week...but why do i still feel like that? definitely not bcox nxt wk is my NAPFA or watever...
***jC fRiends fiRst...as if u hav read my previous blogs..u shld know i have a click of friends in JC. yes, a click. guess what? i am running out of topics to talk to them. only 7 months. and i already don't know what else i can say. sometimes, they even feel that i always probe on the same topic. buT, no choice. if not, the group will be in dead silence or either in topic which are so boring. even so, sometimes i hav to engage the other person's attention by talking to her soMething which i am not interested in but interest them. i think i really doN't understand them, at all. to be frank, i don't know what they are thinking about. i doN't think thEy will ever share their problems. superficially, we are a grp of gd friends. but, in reality? is tat tRue? i doN't know..the saMe kind of expressions..the samE kind of Life...one daY, i might go crazi. eSpecially @ times when they always think u will score the higHest iN class when u have said no for "N" timeS..
***mY cLass...now then i realise i have not accepted the fact that i am in this cLass. whY? beaTs me. 7 months with no class gatherings, and i doubt anyone will go. anD me too...sadly, not contributing anitink to make this class united...nOw only leaving 5 clicks rather than having a class...oNe day, i thInk i might be saddened by the atmosphere i am living in from mOnday to friDay. it is almost impossible for me to trust anYone in mY cLass,be it sharing my proBlems. it's so saD wheN u see others already adapting so well in theIr class whereas u are stILL one.
***i tiNk i aM starting to Lose contact with my Secondary fRiends...they are always so busy. 2 setences and they will say brb. ya. maybe i am too sensitive again. hahax. i don't know. i haven met the whole grp of rebel for nearly a month and i am starting to wonder when i can meet them again. theY are the onLy grp wheRe i caN tel them how terriBle i feeL righT now. bUt, in Pity, soMe of them are too bUsy to eveN take notE that thEre's sOmething wrOng with me. EspecialLy thoSe whoM i tot they would realise sOmething iS wrong wif mE. hOping that we will meet next week. hOping.i remember typing that in my previous blog....and that had became dashed hoPes. hahax.
i need to CRY. i need a TALK. but, there is no one that i can trust to do so. or those who i trust, are too busy to lend me a listening ear. i can't cRy now. my tears just don't fall. My friends... they also have their own problems, ya. hahax. they also have their troubles. i am the one who is calling them. "them"...hahax. hahax. was so glad to talk to alvin yesterday for nearly an hr. hmmx. at least i know he keeps the grp going. the rest? all goNe....especially those who always study so hard. i don't see why there is nO time to MEET. soree...my mood is going doWn. : ( neveR mind.
remember this situation. i told my JC friend if she really cannot go and eat with us, never mind. it was out of kindness. really. but another girl said something like that "ni bu yao jia hao xin la"....(don't try to act nice). wonder whether she was joking. but i felt terribly bad. my kindness was tot to be a fake one. hahax. i got nth to say.
yA...i shld be dealth with seriously for being so sensitive and unreasonable.
so bo liaox.
mabi i will get better soon. but my horoscope says it will go worse.
***sometimes i feel like letting out a scream...
i am 17.
some things ppl juX don wan to cHerisH.
buT i WANT.
never mind...it's time for me to move on to my MATHS...
ya, maths homework.
Monday, July 18, 2005
i still don't realise the fact that some things are just not meant to be said....mabi i am too stopit bax.
This is wk 3...term 3...18 july....haha....it is my mother's bdae...also my teacher's brithday...so coincidental.
-->Horoscope says i will meet bad things this week...say that i will get impatient and whatever...and that i must always tell myself the bad times will be over soon...i am normally a neutral party in believing all this stuffs..but this week, i guess i just have to believe it la. I totally felt impatient and moody today...don't know for wadever reasons...it is definitely not because of my friends...so don't worry ya...but my inner emotions just feel awkward, weird ....etc.
And some things are so secretive lar....i just suspect now lo...i know in my mind, 3 things are running....i have to confirm whether my prediction is true...and am 80% sure that it might turn out the way to be....if it is, i hope the ppl can juX admit it...hahax....aniwae, it is something good! : )
I realli wonder why friends like to keep things so secretive @ times...as if friends are strangers. Am i being too paranoid? i don't know lar...juSt feel that life sometimes in JC is realli too BORING and stressing to make me think of many weird things. In secondary school, i was so pre-occupied with stuffs that i don't have thoughts for other things.. Now, my mind just go wild and travel veri far....i don't know why...just W*E*I*R*D...So i heard some surprising news from my friends and a lot of things...
It just made me come to a conclusion while i was on my way walking hOme which took me around 10 mins to sort out my thoughts...is it realli true that people should have different faces when they are at different situations? Ya, it is true that this will be the best to survive in this realistic world but then...it is just so unreal...As for me, i realise that i am doing so too...In front of different group of friends, in front of the school , in front of ....just so many things....it sounds so illogical...but at least, i know where is the real ME...as for that case....it is onli when i am with my realli veri good friends the i am what i supposedly think i am...but you also cannot call that fake because that it just a veri natural reaction. Will you talk back to your teacher if u did something wrong ? No right? Just like what i heard from the GP lecturer today....at different points, we have different responsibility to fufill...in school being a student,being a friend..all this are differet roles. If you finished reading this paragraph, you might re-think about me again...but trust me lar...till NOW....i AM still ME. contradicting hoh? Sometimes i just don't feel like talking...sometimes i can talk a lot...but i just don't know why...
I am getting tired of JC life....it has only been 7 months....I guess i have to re-charge my battery to sustain till December so that i can get to meet all my wonderful friends....: ) realli waiting for that time to come. sometimes in JC life...even though got a lot of friends with me...i still feel like singing "Ye Zi"....hahax.especially the chorus. : ( so pessimistic ah. hahax....ok la.
friends out there....are you still trying to search for your real self? I don't think it is too late to do now....for as for me....i have been working veri hard...
and i guess...
i am kNowinG who I am...
that makes me.
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
well, how long have i not updated my blog le? hahax. about 9 days le bax. now in school computer lab..at 10:20 am. have like 2 hours of break...so might as well spend this time to update my blog...
Not to deny, the starting of the "real" school term has definitely enhanced my life...: ) Ernx....okie...i better not say that I am unhappy and i also cannot say i am happie bcox ppl will think i am veri proud. But, at least my hardwork paid off la...when i got back my exams....i was realli veri happie...just that i did not want to show them out since i felt weird to do so...and i don't want people to give me a negative impression jux becox i did well for the mid year. I won't say my scores here...cox it will mean i am trying to show off...aniwae i did well and i am realli HAPPY for myself. haha.Sorry if you still think that i am being too crazi but sometimes, i am just too glad and relieved la. Ern, then have been given few weird nicknames this few days. realli weird. haha. But, from this exams...i can observe a lot of things from my classmate...as in their aftermath reaction and whatever....it is veri clear lol...can see some of their attitude towards exams and results.
-->Any sad things that happen to me this 9 days? not realli. Had mingwei's birthday....on friday 8/7/2005...which is the last birthday celebration of the gang this year. hahax. it was veri simple. we had dinner @ PS-->Mahattan fish market which was so ex la...i didn't even tot they would go there. they just told me that they would have gone to comics collection...who knows in the end they will eat @ somewhere beside there...den we watch movie lo...FANTASTIC 4.....hahax....not bad lar...but not worth for $9:50. just too ex. but well, it was at least a gathering....Actually, i tot after that we will go to esplanade or watever and den talk , take photo...but we did nothing related to that...and went HOME. den i was quite disappointed that we could nto celebrate on saturday la...because it was too short. i always tot me and mingwei and alvin are quite unfortuante since our birthday were celebratd on fridays.....which means it is onli @ nite...but luckily, everyone turned up...and that had "mi pu" everything le...hahax. The thing i am worried is when our next outing will be...no one's birthday le....who will actualli take the effort to say we should go out?? I am realli unsure...
some people say after promos.
some say september holidays.
to me, they are all too late.
i was hoping we could meet at late july or august.
that would be much better.
Okie....ya...another outing was to............EAST COAST PARK. yes, cycling with 2 of my JC friends. okie...then we went to there and CYCLE...can u imagine me? cycling? it's me lei..17 years old and that time i still don't know how 2 cycle....den i went to learn obviously....a lot of funni things happened to me. initally when i stepped on the bike, serene and pei shan laughed at me....especially the second name...laugh from the start till the end....hahax. mabi my actions were too exaggerating. Anyway, on the 2 hrs journey....i knocked onto the lampost, dustbin, a china woman, the fence, the bushes, the stone floor....etc....and so much more. but at the end of the day, do i know how to paddle and move forward w/o having my legs dragging on the floor? haha.we will see next outing whether my efforts went to use....but cycling takes practice i guess. anyway, pei shan and serene veri funni that day la....cox after cycling we went to hawker centre to eat...den i think got a malay guy came forward to ask me
"Who is the person sitting at your right?"
i was shocked.
"oh...i see...what is her age ah?"
and that guy kept looking at her when she came back. it was obvious that the guy must somehow be interested in her and when i told her, she was so flare up. i came up with wild imaginations that the 2 of the might in the end get married or watever....lamex.: )
Aniwae....the most funie part was still the cycling part where they just followed behind me to see how i was progressing....then they LAUGHED...again...hahax.
okie...so this week is happy? sad?
i think my brain is damaged after them mid years.
take care everyone
Sunday, July 03, 2005
okie...finally now i have the time to really blog...a more meaningful one. so, this is quite a fast update since it is just one day after i blogged. anyway, was quite upset that the outing was going to be postponed or cancelled due to everyone's schedule. 1
Yesterday had a chat with my good buddy. a quite ugly girl. hahax. then we will talking about a lot of things. about friends. about many things. then 80% was craps. it was until the last 15 minutes then we started asking each other about how we were doing. I started asking about her and then she asked about me, obviously. about how am i in JC, how am i coping...then don't know why i suddenly feel very disappointed or what i would say very tired.
just don't know. especially when some of my friends ask me why my previous blog like so upset. I really don't know what to tell them. Maybe they should try to put themselves into my shoes, then they would know. Surviving with a group of girls out of a one guy. It is really not easy. No matter how many times i am going to say this, it is still a FACT. it is not that i don't have any guy friends in JC. but my CCA ones are all from science one and they are talking about topics which is totally unrelated to mine. And then, most of my e1 friends previously now in science class...i guess some of them are also veri sianX ba....in this JC life. dont know lei. you just feel going out with 4 or 5 girls. you feel even worse when you have to walk with a class of 23 girls. not that i dislike them or anything like that. it is just common to feel abnormal la. unlike secondary times, at least still quite balance. that is a mixture of boys and gurls. NOW, i feel so...sometimes, i realli feel so outcast. they talk about things which i am not able to know. BUT, i must stress that they already veri good to me le. as in, they try their best to include me and put me in...for that, i am very glad that made my JC life much happier than i expected. (though my happy here isn't really that much.) but, it is still something which i tink is okie lo.
so, thanks. : )
then, she asked me whether i got like any girl in my class or whatsoever or not. Hmmx, i said NO. not because my class girls are no good...they are very nice, definitely...it is just that this is not the right time for all this. and everyone is busy doing their work. who would have the time to go into such things? maybe some might have la, but i won't have, from what i know. project work plus....keeps me busie enuFF. hahax. and no one might want me also. hahaX. i so old and haggard. : ) then we continue to talk about the 2010 where the 10 of us would meet again at somewhere at a speciald date. then we started predicting one another's lives. hahax. so stopit lo. we said that melissa would still be the same, with no surprises for us at all, and then alvin...ern erm...hopefully he succeeds.....and mervy...his 5 dogs? hahax. liling will bring a jap or korean guy since she goes for trendy stuffs? hahax. then Rach would probably be married le....(that was what i guess)...wY would be scolding her kids away....and Jm...probably still matchmaking for the right bachelor...hahax. since i guess she needs a 5C's .....mabi in the end she will be with MW....everyone will ne so shocked! hahax.guess that would really be a funie and surprising picture with all the 10 of us at the age of 22 by then. well, guess that leaves for thE future. haven teared for long. haven laughed heartily for long.
my heart seemed to be gettin colder. sometimes think my smile is so vague. haven been real for my emotions. they dont seem working. maybe they haven met the right events and things for them to be activated to laugh, cry, or shout.
not as yEt.
Life is siMple.
(yX) : )
Saturday, July 02, 2005
heLLO...i aM back.
with my blogging again. hahax. exams are finally over *phew* (hahaX...17 le...still type so act cute stuffs....i also find myself veri er xin)..
hmmX...so after exams what did i do to celebrate? hahaX. went to eat wif my few JC friends. hmmx. still find it so weird though. sometimes don get use to what they say. sometimes don noe what they secretly talk about. anyway, there is still the gap. but must thank them for waiting for me for so long. but i really didn't tell them to wait lo. anyway, thanks ah. it must have been veri long. so, now i have a break until like...next wednesday. haha. quite glad that i can get some rest till then. hmmx. i think this week had been a peaceful week for me. no surprises and definitely no downs. which i also dont want. OBVIOUSLY.**
yaya, next event coming up is ALVIN's birthdaE...long awaited le.... Erm....joking onli hoh....haha. that is like 2 more days. he sae no need to help him celebrate. haha. but heart and words doesnt come together. haha. aniwae, hope it will be a simple and nice one. we are all 17 le. growing older le. really cnt imagine now that i can still act cute. but that is me. no choice. maybe 20 years old i will stop? haha. but that has been like part of me lo. TOO BAD. hahaX
didnt feel like putting in anything big thing major. there are mani things that happen which i am unsatisfied, sad and happy about. but, let me only share it at the end of JULY ba. or else, later den, nth to blog le. hahaX. i veri fast run of idea le. aniwae, i realli don feel like i am part of my secondari school animore. the feeling isn't the same when i step back. juniors look so different, everything is different.
JuSt wonder why sometimes we say we will forget the past...forget eth...then in the end we take so long to forget. maybe it is just too unforgettable. hahaX. and i won't forget. too precious, i guess.
await for a new me, hopefully. soon for the start of a term.
smile!! : )